Funny Quotes Inspirational Motivational

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!”

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.”

“I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I am an early bird and a night owl. So I am wise and I have worms.”

“Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

“Success is like pregnancy. Everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you were screwed.”

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”

“Don't let the fear of striking out hold you back.”

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.”

“Trying is the first step toward failure.”

“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.”

“Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?”

“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.”

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”

“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.”

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

“Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.”

“If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“We are all born mad. Some remain so.”

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”

“Laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.”

“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

“Classic - a book which people praise and don't read.”

“Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.”

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

“Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.”

“Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.”

“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.”

“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.”

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.”

“Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”

“Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”

“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.”

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.”

“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”

“I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy saving mode.”

“I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”

“I put the 'Pro' in 'Procrastinate'.”

“Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.”

“I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.”

“I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.”

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

“I followed my heart, and it led me into the fridge.”

“I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems.”

“The only time I have a drinking problem is when I spill it.”

“My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.”

“I hold a cup of coffee so I don't have to hold a conversation.”

“I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a 'cell' phone.”

“My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.”

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

“Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.”

“There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.”

“I code, therefore I am... tired.”

“Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.”

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”

“I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”

“My husband's idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”